


the arachnid and the anachronism.

by geekinthehoodie



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Dialogue-Only, Established Relationship, M/M, Misunderstandings, Multi, Past Relationship(s), Superfamily (Marvel), bucky can't catch a break with the stark-rogers, it's steve and tony. they are peter's parents
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-15
Updated: 2019-07-12
Packaged: 2020-01-13 17:44:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18473914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/geekinthehoodie/pseuds/geekinthehoodie
Summary: While on their way to a dinner party with Peter's parents, Bucky accidentally reveals an old Stark-Rogers secret.Peter, logically, freaks out. Bucky, desperately, tries to salvage his relationship(s).orin which there was a war and people were doing crazy things for crazy reasons and that apparently includes purely carnal foursomes





	1. if it helps, it was purely sexual

**Author's Note:**

> i found this in one of my files. i wrote this sometimes in 2015? 2016? in my head this is set years after tasm 2 so Pete's in his early 20's and the adorkable andrew garfield but then i met the equally adorkable tom holland and i saw him as this character too so canon be damned i guess 
> 
> also i promised myself i would post more sorry for this madness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter and Bucky are on their way to a dinner party with his parents. 
> 
> Peter freaks out. Bucky is trying his best.

“I still don’t understand how you’re not freaking out about this whole mess.”

 

“Pete, I have a metal arm and I’m in the 21st century. Nothing really ‘freaks me out’ anymore.”

 

“I’m pregnant.”

 

“Here’s to hoping it has your sparkling wit, babe.”

 

“I can’t stop imagining it having a metal arm. That would be amazing our kid could— GAH.”

 

“What are you doing?”

 

“What does it look like I’m doing? I’m tying a tie.”

 

“Well, you’re not doing it right.”

 

“What? Tie tying?”

 

“Can we not get into this right now?”

 

“Into what?”

 

“This whole thing where you dissolve into shitty puns and avoid the issue at hand.”

 

“What are you talking about? My puns are great. _And_ my tie tying is amazing and I— Fuck, I’m stuck.”

 

“You suck at tie tying.”

 

“Then put your freakin’ beer down and help me, you ass.”

 

“You’ve been really wound up today. What’s on your mind?”

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about."

 

"You cried when the barista said they were out of soy."

 

"I'm lactose intolerant."

 

"You have spider in your genes. You are _not_ lactose intolerant. Something is wrong."

 

"I'm fine. I'm doing great." 

 

“Well, people who are ‘great’ don’t really dissolve into hysterics over tie tying.”

 

“There is no issue with my tie tying.”

 

“You’re terrible at it and— Hey! That’s my beer!”

 

“Well, you keep insulting my tie tying ability and you’re being a dick so, ha. You deserve that.”

 

“What’s this about, you gigantic dork?”

 

“See? You’re being a d—”

 

“Peter.”

 

“I— It’s just annoying how I’m the only one in this arrangement that’s freaking out.”

 

"Nice to know that you only see our year long relationship as an 'arrangement'"

 

"Stop being a drama queen. You know what I mean."

 

"I don't. Explain."

 

“Like, this whole thing? I’m the only one freaking out?

 

“You gotta be more specific, sweet cheeks, you’re a very neurotic boy and you freak out about a lot of things.”

 

“Did you just call me sweet cheeks? Are you going to eat your lunch on a steel beam and catcall me from thirty stories up?”

 

“Depends. Is this a fantasy of yours?”

 

“...No.”

 

“Is it?”

 

“Stop trying to distract me.”

 

“I think you doing a better job at that than I am.”

 

“Ugh—stop grabbing my butt. We’re fighting.”

 

“Are we?”

 

“Stop that. Where were we?”

 

“You were, yet again, freaking out about something.”

 

"Huh? Oh yeah. Well, I don't know if this is going to work out."

 

“Is this you breaking up with me?”

 

“No! God, no. It’s just. Ugh—This whole thing with Pop and Dad, and you and me?”

 

“Listen, if this is about the double date with your parents, we can still canc—”

 

"Can we not call it a double date?"

 

"...If this is about the dinner where in both couples sit in the same table—" 

 

"Dinner party."

 

"Ok... Do you want to cancel the dinner party?"

 

“Ugh— No, you’ve obviously been planning this with Pop since forever.”

 

“Yeah, we were back in the trenches, you know, during the second war of the world, when I turn to Steve and I say, ‘hey, when I start dating your son, you and me should—’”

 

“You’re literally the worst person in the world right now. I can’t believe I let you into my life. Why am I dating you?”

 

“I love you too, Bugboy.”

 

“It’s not that I want to cancel this whole thing…”

 

“Then what is it, Pete. You can tell me.”

 

“It’s just, ugh—

 

"Just spit it out, Pete."

 

"I’m dating my father’s ex!”

 

"What?"

 

"If you really think about it... I'm dating my dad's ex-boyfriend."

 

“I thought we were passed this? It was 70 years ago. It was a barely a relationship. We’re just friends now.”

 

“No, ugh, why’d you have to be so goddamn unflappable?”

 

“It kind of comes with the territory of being a metal arm owner _.”_

 

“Don’t you find it weird that I’m his son?”

 

“Technically, you’re _Tony’s_ son. Steve just adopted you. Adopted you when you were well into your teens. You’re not _really_ his son.”

 

"Harsh."

 

"But true."

 

“That’s another thing right there, though. I’m Tony’s son."

 

"I know. The narcissism and tinkering was a dead giveaway."

 

"Grandpa had a raging hard on for Pop. Isn’t that weird for you?”

 

"I see."

 

" _Do_ you? It's weird, right?"

 

"Listen, coming into this, it was never exactly... normal, you know?"

 

"You could say that again."

 

"I mean, Howard and Steve were... er— a little more than ‘just friends.’”

 

“Go on.”

 

“But now he's with his son... Tony. So that's weird too, right?"

 

"…It is."

 

"Right. But... Steve also had Peggy, and Steve had Howard… but Peggy also had Howard… are you following me so far?"

 

"No."

 

“Well, uh— how do I—?”

 

“No. No. No.”

 

“…Pete? You okay?”

 

"No. No. No. NO. You are not trying to imply that Pop was part of some polyamorous threesome. No!"

 

"Technically, there were four of us, I was somewhere in there but—"

 

"OH MY GOD."

 

“It was barely a relationship!”

 

“OH GOD.”

 

“If it helps, it was purely sexual.”

 

“THAT IN NO WAY OR FORM HELPS.”

 

“It was a different time, Pete, there was a war…”

 

“Oh no, you anachronistic asshole, don’t pull that ‘it was a different time’ bullshit. That’s your go to line when you can’t think of a decent argument.”

 

“It isn’t bullshit, Peter. It was a different—”

 

“See! You’re doing it again, you freak!”

 

“Because it isn’t a line! It’s true! It was a different time! There was a—”

 

""There was a war and people were doing crazy things for crazy reasons.""

 

“I— I don’t have a line!”

 

“Yes, you do! This is way worse than your ‘they didn’t have that during my day’ argument.”

 

“What _argument_?”

 

“It’s the argument you use when you don’t want to do something.”

 

“I do _not_ do that.”

 

“It’s what you said about flossing, Buck, _flossing.”_

“Well, it’s true! They didn’t have that during my day!”

 

“FLOSSING WAS INVENTED IN THE LATE 1800’S, YOU LYING DICKBAG.”

 

“It’s unnatural.”

 

“You’re unnatural.”

 

“Rich coming from the spider boy.”

 

“Spider- _man_ and do not divert from the matter at hand, you fiend.”

 

“What do you want to know!? We met up, had a couple of orgies while we fought the war, and we ended up dating each other’s kids. Steve married Howard’s kid, I’m dating Steve’s. What more is there?”

 

“…”

 

“Peter?”

 

“…”

 

“You ok there, Pete?”

 

“I gotta lie down.”

 

“Too much?”

 

“A bit. Yeah.”

 

“Does it help that—”

 

“I don’t think anything will help.”

 

“Ok. I know this is a lot to take in right now. Tell me what I can do?”

 

“I don’t think there’s anything you can do. I just need time.”

 

“Time? ...like a break?”

 

“NO. No, just... Time to process.”

 

“Alright. I can do that.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

“So, should I still put your tie on you? Or do you want to just stay at home and watch Back to the Future?”

 

“No, I mean, like I said, you planned this out with Pop. I want to go.”

 

“You still want to have dinner with your parents?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Will you be cool?

 

“Yes.”

 

“Please don’t make this weird in front of Tony and Steve.”

 

"Yes."

 

 

 

_Later during dinner, Peter makes it weird in front of Tony and Steve:_

 

“SO ON A SCALE OF 0 TO SO FUCKING INCESTOUS: HOW INCESTOUS IS THIS PERMUTATION OF COUPLES?”

 

"..."

 

"BECAUSE I THINK 8."


	2. eight, it's definitely an eight.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter confronts his parents about Bucky's revelation.
> 
> Peter jumps out of a window. Bucky has a conversation with Steve about discretion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> instead of finishing the other multichapter, well-planned out fic where it's about Bucky and Shuri's budding relationship and the effect on their individual psyche THAT i left on hiatus and am too afraid to continue 
> 
> im adding onto this monstrosity

“Pete, maybe you can sit down and I— oop, there he goes.”

 

“Fuck!”

 

“Tony—"

 

“I mean, what kind of family dinner is it if our son doesn’t _jump_ out of our penthouse suite, am I right?”

 

“Calm down, Tony—”

 

“No, don't tell me to calm down, you sanctimonious peehole. All I wanted was a normal Friday night with my favourite son and his one-armed boyfriend. Is that too much to ask? Jesus Christ.”

 

“I know, I know. I'm sorry, ok? Let me go talk to him.”

 

“Sit down, Steven, _I’ll_ go. I think you and Soviet Barbie over here need a little chat about discretion.”

 

“Tony—"

 

"Shut up. You're no better. Let me talk him down. Do you remember how expensive Dr. Tan was?"

 

"I know I'm— Where are you— There he goes. We pay for elevators and those assholes barely even— ugh.”

 

“Uh— he has his suit, right?”

 

“Are you an idiot?”

 

“Well excuse me for being worried.”

 

“No, you dickbag.”

 

“Ow! Did you seriously just flick me?”

 

“Yes, because you deserve that, you  _dumbass.”_

 

“You’re Captain America! You can’t fucking flick people.”

 

“ _I_ can’t believe you told Pete about our fondue sessions!”

 

“Are you still calling it fondue sessions? _”_

 

_“Buck.”_

 

“It slipped out, okay? It was an accident!”

 

“Accident my ass. You’re a dick.”

 

“He was spiralling! I didn’t know what happened, but he was.”

 

“Now look what you did. Tony’s freaking out too.”

 

“At least now I know where Pete gets the whole melodrama.”

 

“Say that again. I dare you.”

 

“You’re really threatening me with your flicks. You are a _child_ —”

 

“Say. It. Again.”

 

“… sorry.”

 

“That’s what I thought. Now, how long has Pete been freaking out?”

 

“I only started noticing when we were at Starbucks.”

 

“Is this the soy story?”

 

“Yeah. He call you?”

 

“It was on the news.”

 

“Right, then he started freaking out about seeing you two tonight. Then it was something about his tie, then catcalling, oh and he said something about flossing which is—"

 

“Unnatural.”

 

“Totally! Hey, did you know it's been around since the 1800's?”

 

"That doesn't sound right."

 

"Exactly!"

 

“Focus. Then what happened?”

 

“We exchanged words, I tried to justify and… here we are.”

 

“Did you use the ‘it was a different time’ schtick?”

 

“I— It’s not a schtick! You should know, you were there! It was a different time. There was a—"

 

“Oh, fuck off, you rat bastard, we were horny and stupid. _And_ Pegs was a bad influence.”

 

“Heh. Hell yeah, she was.”

 

“Put your goddamn hand down. You look like a moron.”

 

“It’s a high five, Steve.”

 

“Stop that. You’re a moron who doesn’t deserve an inappropriate high five.”

 

“Yeah, well, Pegs was a bad influence, but she was really, really fun.”

 

"Let it go, Buck. Why the hell did you have to tell the kid? You know he’s delicate.”

 

“He was freaking out! I didn’t know what to tell him. He got all weird about us being an item.”

 

“Gross. That was over seventy years ago.”

 

“That’s what I said— wait, what do you mean _gross?”_

 

“I mean gross. Don’t get me wrong, it was fun but like I said we were horny and stupid. It was a phase.”

 

“A _phase?_ First of all, how dare you think that what we had was a _phase._ Did nothing we did mean anything to—”

 

“ _Buck_. Come on, Buck. Really? Buck, come on.”

 

“Alright, true. In hindsight, it was really fuckin’ gross, but we were really _good_ together. It was a _great_ phase.”

 

“Are you seriously leering at me right now?”

 

“Sorry, force of habit. I’m a sexual being.”

 

“ _I’m_ technically your father-in-law.

 

“ _Technically_ he’s not your real son.”

 

“Why do you keep saying that?”

 

“I don’t want to think about the fact that I’m fucking your kid, Steve.”

 

“Well, that's basically what you're doing.”

 

"That's three generations then. I should get a loyalty card."

 

"You're a cretin."

 

“Don't flick me! I was joking. You know I rarely mean what I say.”

 

"And that's exactly how we got into this situation.”

 

“Don't you think I've been trying to fix this?  I’ve been trying to get him to talk to me the whole cab ride here.”

 

“And?”

 

“He wouldn’t even look at me. Mumbling shit under his breath."

 

"Did he have that Manic Stark Glint™ in his eye?"

 

"Yeah. He was probably plotting that little stunt he pulled at dinner.”

 

“That was a pretty good speech, though.”

 

“ _Right?_ Great diction, so much power. He's so good at modulating.”

 

“Tony made him do Shakespeare one summer when he was— can we focus? Tell me what happened.”

 

“He started freaking out about us being an item. Then I freaked out. I didn’t know how to tell him that it wasn’t serious.”

 

“So, the best course of action was to tell him that it was just some secret sex club?”

 

“Well… yeah! So, he can see that it was all carnal.”

 

“Bucky. You absolute moron.”

 

“I don’t see you thinking of anything better.”

 

“Maybe start by _not_ telling him about the affair we had with his grandfather?”

 

“See, that’s not a solution. That’s what _not_ to do. Tell me how I should have handled the situation, huh?”

 

“I— uh...”

 

“See? It’ll always end with our fondue sessions.”

 

“Now hold on—”

 

“It’s hard when you have to think on the spot. One way or another, he has to find out.”

 

“He didn’t have to find out this way.”

 

“Yeah? How’d you tell Tony?”

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“The guy’s as neurotic as his son. This conversation must have happened at some point.”

 

“I mean, it did but it was a lot better than how you must have handled it.”

 

"Yeah? What happened, _dick_?"

 

"I— Iaccidentallytoldhimthenpaidforallofhistherapysessions."

 

"What? I'm sorry, I can't hear you underneath all that  _h y p o c r i s y_." 

 

"Well, it was still better than how you did it." 

 

“Oh, fuck off. There’s no _right_ way of telling them. It was dirty and animalistic from the get-go.”

 

“You know they're delicate.”

 

“There's literally no way to make it cute! I say, just lay it all out on the table. Like a band aide; just rip it out. **_‘Hey babe, by the way, I used to fuck Howard up the ass…_** ”

 

“Buck.”

 

 “ _ **…while he ate out my best friend. And you know what? Peggy? Your sweet old aunt, the one who used to give you shooting lessons and sneak you extra candy bars?"**_

 

"Bucky!"

 

_**"Yeah, she used to give us orders and watch while we fucked each other. ** _

 

_**And I,** _

 

 _ **I. Liked. It.**_ ’”

 

“ ~~ _ **BUCKY!**_~~ ”

 

“ _What?_ Oh, uh— H—hi, Pete. Hey... Tony. Boy, Steve was right. You guys never use the elevators, huh?”

 

“ᵉᶦᵍʰᵗ, ᶦᵗ'ˢ ᵈᵉᶠᶦⁿᶦᵗᵉˡʸ ᵃⁿ ᵉᶦᵍʰᵗ.”

 

 


End file.
